dc herbert

is currently writing their third novel. All 3 books, are first-person narratives about Noel, a school student for whom action is the only way to live. It's frustrating then that feelings and all sorts of unnecessary shit like that have started appearing.

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My head’s in a bit of a spin about my dad, and my guts aren’t doing much better, but there’s no way I’m missing out on anything to just sit around and mope at home about the twat. So it’s in school and back to Geography, and it’s time for the exam results. Mr Lee tells us he’s going to read out the test results starting from top to bottom. Only possible reason for this is humiliation of the bottom, right? Cock. First three results are from the usual suspects 98%, 97%, 93%.

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Quite a lot of people are in the 80s, fucking loads of people in the 70s and 60s, I mean loads. Jac is firmly in the low 70s and turns round to remind me that she’s beaten me.

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‘You see, if you actually paid attention to anything other than my arse all lesson, you’d have a chance of beating me in the tests.

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‘There are three of you left. These are all disgraceful scores. Lucia di Santo, fifty-two percent.’

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Fifty-two is disgraceful? What the fuck? ‘Brian Bennett, thirty-three percent.’ Fuck’s sake, Brian is thick as pigshit. Lee’s missed me out, must’ve done. I fucking cheated. I can’t be below Brian. Can’t be bottom.

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‘And finally, with a breathtakingly bad twenty percent’, Lee gives this big pause as I look around to see if there’s anyone else that he’s missed off the list.

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'Noel.'

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‘So? Anything to say for yourself, Noel? Any excuse you wish to give for the worst half year test score I’ve ever witnessed?’

 

‘Yes sir. I’m just very glad I cheated or it could have been really bad.’

 

Uproar.

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Extract from What You Need To Know by dc herbert